I need 6 large to buy my first Segway Personal Transporter.

To get the scrill I’ll need for my Segway, I’ve decided to construct, release, and sell a rap album. I mean a real one. To make it sell well, I already know I’m going to have to spend very little time on the beats and musical aspects and loads of time and effort on writing sophomoric anthems and trying to sound like an authentic deaf-mute when I rap them.

Here are some song names I’ve been kicking around in my head:
(Links are demos–right-click and choose “Save as…” to download for free)

Diamonds are my Grill’s Best Friend
Wife Beatah (a love song)
My Tracksuit is a Little Bit More Vibrant than Your Tracksuit
Kangaroos (ode to the old school shoes)
The Beer is Cold and ‘Cops’ is on Fox
Fried Corn and Stuff
I Really Really Really Like Gold A LOT!!! Yay GOLD!
Your Moms and them are Buggin

I already have arrangements, bridges and hooks for all these songs in my noggin, but to really make this record sell I think I need to open the floor to new ideas. After all, I am only one man; none of us is an island. So based on your suggestion I will create an authentic rap song, replete with hyperbole and nonsensical slang. For that you will give me some loot toward the Segway. That’s the deal.

Please respond below with a suggested song title, BPM, and any sounds you think might be nice for me to incorporate.

I’m off to Google a Honolulu-based Segway dealer…

See this as a vlog on YouTube

So what’s up?

Yeah, I know. I haven’t written any real entries here for a LONG time. Just a video link here and there. You might have been wondering if I would ever write anything else again. Ever.

Well it just so happens I’ve been pretty busy. I have been listening to mad self help tapes, y’all. I’m not even joshin’. Plus I’ve been working this monster fat humanitarian deal with my new friend Shamal (he’s a lawyer in Nigeria). I help dude fight the power by cashing some checks and wiring some scrill to Panama City, and he lets me cold skim some scratch off the top for moms and them. Nice.

Additionally, I’ve been playing the odds on some sporting events over at the spot. (Parlay, yo.) I also self-published a book of ten stories, creatively titled “Ten Stories.” If you’ll recall, Salinger only coughed up nine. (Pansy.) The hard copy with the cool cover–which I designed myself–is ten bucks, (that’s roughly one dollar per story), but I also made it available as a free download so you don’t think I’m only out for your cash.

Monday Night Football at the Vadnais trailer.

In addition to all that stuff I already mentioned, I’ve been working, taking some more classes, and oh, I almost forgot: I bought a Mac Pro. Yes, I finally got the computer of my dreams–the machine of which I was born to be at the helm–the system that rivals those of the nerdiest nerds at NASA: a 2.66 GHz Quad-Core Xeon dreamboat with 2GB of RAM (rest assured I’ll pump that up to 8GB within the next week) and a 250GB hard drive (already got a 1TB raid array on its way via FedEx). Oh, the lights don’t quite dim when I turn it on, but I think when I’m done pimpin’ it out they might.

Gotta run now: Shamal just sent another 10 large to my Paypal account.